Crazy week

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted more on my story.  I am actually starting a website as well and starting to write an e-book on my journey.   Its been crazy. I don’t know how many of you believe in spirits but writing this book has stirred up a lot of emotions for me, just reliving my past again but also stirring the spirits in my life.  I know my Mom, Dad and Nan are here! I was hesitant to tell anyone other than my 14 year old daughter about what I experienced but I knew she would believe me because she too has some kind of beyond life connection.  Much stronger than mine.  I sense my loved ones sometimes but until last week I never saw them.

It threw me so much not only was I totally out of sorts and had to refrain from crying all morning at work, but I was just “off” for a couple days thrown by what had happened to me.  I have missed my mom terribly since she passed 1.5 years ago now.  And my dad I have missed a lot too over the past 30 years but as I’m putting my experiences down in book format on my laptop Ive just been really emotional for some reason all week long.

My daughter experiences is things like this: When Ive looked at rental properties in the past she has a strong sense of past life living there.  She can tell if the house contains “ghosts” or not.  Not every place has them and some are good and some make her uneasy but Ive taken it seriously because she is so adamant about it and gets so emotional when she strongly believes in what is going on in the homes Ive looked at.   But on the night my mother passed that morning she texted me at lunch from school and said “I have to go see grandma today and tell her I love her mom, please”.  I hadn’t let the kids see her for the past couple weeks because her time was coming and she was not only unable to speak or know what was going on around her but she had gotten so thin and looked so different I didn’t know if I wanted the kids to see her that way.  I touched base with my ex, her father and he told me Taylor’s a strong kid, if she wants to see her let her she can handle it. So I said I would take her and her younger sister after school.

I hadnt gotten to my mother in my blog so just  so you know:  my mother was unexpectedly diagnosed with advanced cancer and was given 6 months to live but that 6 months was only 4 weeks.  It was horrible watching her deteriorated more every day.   My sister and I had been taken daily 6  hour shifts there each staying for our time as the other one went.  We alternated making sure she was taken care of properly.  At  first just talking to her keeping her company, then helping feed her so she would eat, clean her, keep her comfortable and in the end just talking to her because she couldn’t see anything as her eye sight had mostly gone.   Life was on hold for me and my sister knowing the inevitable was coming.

So that day after school my daughters and I went over for a visit.  I had prepared them for how she looked and what to expect.  They were troopers I tell you.   They came in and talked to her and combed her hair, held her hand and tried to help her get sips of water.  I was so proud that my girls were so compassionate and strong.  Taylor, my 14 year old always had a special bond different from anyone else with my mother.  We stayed till about 4:40 and then the each wrote her a little love note and left them on her side table, knowing she would never read them but wanting to leave a piece of them.  It was weird too when we left we all said goodbye grandma and even though she couldn’t speak she blurted out a loud strangely sounding BYE BYE to us.  It was very strange.

We went home and Taylor asked to prepare dinner for us and I said OK.  Taylor is a good cook and enjoys it very much, shes probably a better cook than me, LOL.   I went for my nightly power walk around a local park and at 6:38 my phone rang and I instantly knew my mom had passed.  I rushed home and as soon as I entered the house Taylor looked at me and said “Grandma died didn’t she”? I ran to her and hugged her crying.  She said she felt my mom come to her and say goodbye.  As she was standing in the kitchen cooking she said she felt a strong presence and knew someone was there with her.  She said she even felt her behind her touching her shoulders!!  She said did she die about 20 minutes ago and I answered yes. That’s the time it happened Mom, it was grandma coming to say goodbye.

So now you know what kind of connection my daughter had.  This was my experience the other night.  I was sleeping and early in the morning I clearly had a vision pop in my head…it was clear as day.  It was like a Face time screen for you I Phone users…Left side me and right side: MY MOTHER.  Clear as day her face, her makeup as she always wore it and her hair done pretty.  Her body was like a flowy ghost type body but her head was clear as a bell.  I reached out and yelled, MOM OMG MOM, I love and miss you and your here! I remember her hand reaching out towards me and hearing her say Hi sweetie, I love you too yes I’m here.  Then as quick as it was there she was gone and  I was awake and felt her presence above me as I lay in bed.  I couldn’t  see her anymore but I knew she was there.  I was so emotional but I had a small conversation with her.  In that conversation I mentioned I had hoped she was up there with my Dad and her mother, my Nan.  I hoped they were together and happy and not in pain.  I continued to talk for another maybe 5 minutes I knew if I stopped she would be gone but eventually I did.  I got up and got some tissues as I was crying like crazy. I layed back in bed and after a few minutes of comprehending what just happened, I rolled over on my side and closed my eyes trying to fall back asleep and immediately another vision came to me.  It was dark, but I made out a tall man, wearing a long coat and I could clearly make out a certain ring on his finger which Id seen a thousand times, and I could tell he was bald but his face was blurred.  My dad was 6’3″ bald and always wore longer coats, it was my dads ring and he was wearing.  I quickly knew it was him.  I spoke to him briefly nothing did i hear in return then he was gone.  OK now I was freaked. In my head I tried to make sure I was really awake, not dreaming it all.  But I was most definitely awake.  So my third attempt at sleep was no different but this time I could make out the short, tiny figure of my Nan.  I spoke to her as well.  I knew at that moment my Mom, Nan and Dad were clearly together in the after life.  They had come to me after I asked my mother if they were together to let me know they were.  I’m convinced the writing of this book and all my emotions the week prior to this event were stirring them to me.  They were letting me know they were together and happy.  They were letting me know they support me.

Again, I have never experienced anything like this.  I was out of sorts all day.  When I came home that night I sat with my daughters and asked them if any of them had any strange dreams last night.  Immediately Taylor said she was scared to tell me but all week long she has been scared at night.  She said every night she had felt a strong presence of someone watching her in her room.  I told her if it was grandma she was there making sure she was ok and watching over her then I proceeded to tell them of my experience.  Taylor said I knew it was Grandma.

So don’t think Im crazy LOL.  But I am a firm believer of this stuff now.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

We attract who we are…

Liked this so I’m sharing. Truly you do attract the type of people you emulate in yourself. If your positive you will attract upbeat, fun, positive and inspiring people. Once I eliminated the negative ones my life changed….

Life after dad….

Dad was gone. I was lost and felt so alone. Left with my mother, someone who I loved but didn’t really know. If that makes sense? I never really had a strong bond of communication with her. She was my mom who cooked and cleaned and took care of me. But I never really talked to her. I guess looking back now I was never taught to talk about stuff and feelings with my parents. I struggled trying to form a relationship with her. Missing my dad dearly.

My dad did everything. His loss was huge to my mother. She never had to work or worry. She was left alone and no idea how to even write a check. She never had to do anything before except be the great wife and mother she was. Looking back now I give my mom all the credit the world for getting by after his death. With my brothers help she went and got his social security started and opened a checking account. My brother headed home to RI and back to his family.

My Mom was good at cleaning and being a caretaker and i most definitely inherited t hose traits from her. The office staff at the apartments we lived at liked her and when they heard of my dads passing and our financial situation they asked her to take a cleaning job at the apartments we lived at. We would go after hours nightly and clean the offices on the complex. They loved my mom and quickly discount our rent and referred her to an elderly resident who was with no family who needed help cooking and cleaning. He was an ex priest, Father Gouley and a wonderfully sweet man. She started going over daily to cook three meals for him, do his laundry and clean his suite. It was her job. Nightly we cleaned the offices for our rental discount.

In my senior year of high school at age 17 I started a part time job after school at a local fast food place and helped contribute most of my pay to the bills. I loved my job and worked hard in addition to my studies and helping mom clean at night. I was proud of her for working so hard and taking care of me and at age 56 she wasn’t In The greatest shape. I remember her coming home every night in pain from her back. She would come home and cook dinner for us after cooking for Father Gouley. We continued this and got by for the next year and a half. In that time I still was trying to form a bond with her.

My dream was to go to school for advertising design. I loved to draw and loved abstract art. I had even designed a logo and jingle once when i was younger for my dads friends new business. As my graduation from High School neared in 1985 I wondered where my life was going. The school I was interested in was $30,000 a year and I felt it hopeless to think about pursuing that. I didn’t ask anyone how to apply or find out about financial aid. I just figured it was hopeless and gave up my dream. My father had made quite an impression with the leasing consultant who he had rented our apartment from as well as the whole staff in the offices. They loved him as he had a wonderful friendly, genuine personality. So after he passed I had always had a relationship with the leasing ladies. When I turned 18 and was able to work they quickly offered me a part time job until school was out over the summer as a Leasing Consultant for the property. I took the job excited to work with these great ladies and start making better money. I enjoyed my job and the people I worked with. My friendly personality did me well and I did a great job in my new position. After graduation I became a full time Consultant with the Property Management company.

I became friends with Diane in 1988 and she quickly became my BFF. We spend all our free time together hanging out. Her family was a close family and i spent a lot of time at her house always feeling like one of her family. I went to all the family events. I loved this new feeling. My family was never really close now that I look back on my life. so this was a new feeling and i liked being there. She was by far the only other friend I had besides my friend Amy whom I had left back in Massachusetts back in 1983. We got along so well and we had a great times together. She truly was a confidant and I felt really happy in the life that I was forming for myself. Life was underway for me!

In September of 1990 I met my Ex. He lived across the street and a chance meeting with his best friend one day gave me and Diane an invite to his house for a party and although I had never even met him before Diane and I went that night. Little did I know that night was the night that would forever change me. Meeting the person who would become my lover, friend, husband and father of my children. As well as the very person who was the reason my life almost ended twice…..

Until my next post…..

In the beginning……

Where did my life start becoming what it was? Hard to say exactly……

My brothers and sisters, all older, had it all.  Nice house, pool, clothes, new cars.  My father was a hard working man.  He managed a large department store chain.  Mom was a wonderful stay at home mom, cleaning and keeping a beautiful home and always having a wonderful dinner on our table every night.  Typical 60’s blue collar home.  My father was to me was the perfect dad. My mother was a great mom. LIfe was good.   I don’t remember much of my younger years at all but do remember images of my dog, our yard, playing hockey on the frozen pool in  our yard with my brothers, watering the beautiful lawn and flower gardens with my mom, helping her garden and learning the names of all the flowers I loved to look at with her at our large home in South Jersey.

I was too small to remember when things changed, I guess I was about 5/6 years old. My father developed a heart condition and after 2 heart attacks apparently lost his good job that kept us comfortable.  I do remember having to sell our home and saying goodbye to all my best friends in my neighborhood.  I remember the party they gave us going away and still today have the small scrapbook with all the kids pictures and signed names in it so I could never forget them.  It was hard.  I didnt know at this time but my life as I knew it was over.  It was to be the start of a very unstable life filled with uncertainty and moving around.

Why we moved to Rhode Island I am not sure of. I believe it was a job opportunity.  We purchased yet another home and me, my brothers and mother moved up North.  My sister had married at age 19 and she remained in NJ with her husband and my new nephew.  The home was nice and we settled in well.  My brothers were in their late teens now and made friends and were not around much.  I was very much younger than all my siblings and once they hit their late teens I guess we all lost our bond.  I made friends and I guess was pretty happy. I remember playing barbies, playing with my dog, and exploring the nearby woods with my couple good friends.  Im not sure but I think it was a couple years into living here that my father again had a small heart attack and apparently lost his job yet again.  I remember him getting things cheap from flea markets and reselling them to try to make money. I would go with him every time he went anywhere.  We were buddies.  I spent alot of time with him when he wasnt working.  I would enjoy going to the flea markets with him and spending Saturdays selling his items.  He got into flea marketing trying to make ends meet.  I remember being on food assistance and I remember money was tight.  My brothers were doing their own thing and working.  My oldest brother met his girlfriend in our neighborhood and was happy.  Money or lack of, yet again forced us to lose our home and downgrade into an nearby apartment community in Massachusetts.

I had never lived in an apartment before.  But I remember my room clearly.  I decorated it in purple.  My favorite color.  It was a nice big room with bright lights and big windows.  I was happy here in my room. This period when I was about 12/13 for me is the point I started feeling lonely and sad and keeping to myself alot.  My father I know was struggling to put food on the table.  I honestly don’t know what he did for work at this time but I do remember nights when he just never was home.  Family dinners were few and far between.  Times were hard.  I heard my mom and dad argue sometimes which I never heard ever  before.  I started babysitting at 13 and cleaning some of the residents homes in the apartment community to make money.  My dad was unable to buy me clothes and necessities so I worked hard to have my own money to help out. I kept to myself alot in  my room listening to music and drawing.  I didn’t mind being alone at all but now see that i was withdrawing from everyone.  I had only made one good friend in this time, my friend Amy. Spent many a good time with her.  We had fun at the pool, playing tennis, rollerskating and just hanging out.  Then she and her family moved into a home not too far away, but far enough away I wouldn’t see her on a daily basis like I was used to except at school each day.  I remember school, I hated it there.  I was bullied by a couple girls but had some really good friends too.  I spent time at Amys house and hung with her often after school. She was my best friend for sure.

I remember being at that point feeling lonely and confused, having questions about changes in my body and becoming very self conscious about my appearance.  And although I had good parents, I see now all  these years later I never had good communication from them.  They never talked to me about feelings or getting older.  I never once remember either of them sitting with me and giving me advice or asking how I felt.  I know for a fact that lack of bond with  my parents is now why it is so important for me as a parent to provide my daughters with that form of communication/openness.

One day when i was 15 my father said he got a job offer from my brother in law back in NJ.  He had always hated living up North and wanted me to have a better community to live in and have a better school system to attend.  My brothers had both married at this point and started families and of course remained in Mass/RI to live. I was sad to leave my baby niece and my new baby nephew.  But again, we packed up for the 3rd time in 8 years and headed back to NJ.  I was kind of excited mostly because of getting out of that school and the bullies that bothered me on a daily basis but was very sad for losing Amy, the one and only friend I had in my life.  Moving so much makes it hard to have friends.

I was 15 when we moved into our new apartment home in South Jersey.  It was a beautiful town and I was excited to start new.  Happy my dad had work and seemed relieved and happy again. We settled in June 1983, my dad was working, Sometimes since it was summer break and school hadn’t started yet, I would go to work with him.  He was working for my brother in law at his car dealership and was a car jockey between the dealerships and the auction. I loved spending time with him it didnt matter what we were doing we always had fun.  And everyone he worked with was nice.  I guess looking back now I always got along with adults better than I did other kid.

I was happy in school and my mom was happy at home.  Barely a month later low and behold, my father suffered his 4th heart attack.  A minor one, but he pushed ahead still working and just doing what he had to so he could support my mother and I.  He was happy to see me enjoying school and making friends in our community.

My 16th birthday drew near that December 1983 and stress overcame my poor father once again.  My father was working but still money was super tight.  He was excited that his baby was turning 16 and wanted to buy me something for my birthday.  We had planned to go me and him to the nearby mall after dinner on my birthday so he could buy me my present.  As we ate dinner that night it was normal.  After dinner mom was doing dishes and I was waiting in the living for my dad to get ready to go to the mall.  I heard him mumbling something as he sat in the dining room, then I heard more mumbling as he came near me in the living room.  My dad was  a kidder, always joking around.  I thought he was acting what seemed to be like a drunk person, but as he came near me and i saw his face, I knew something was terribly wrong.  I remember laughing at first and saying dad I know your not drunk stop acting like you are….I watched him and his slurred delayed speech and knew he was having a stroke and screamed “mom somethings wrong with Dad!” She came out and said OMG hes having a stroke and as I helped him into a chair while she called 911 I stroked his head and told him I loved him and he was going to be ok.  The ambulance got there very quick as the firehouse was right down the street. My head was spinning and my heart racing.  I remember them putting him on the stretcher and as he was being wheeled out i held his hand, and all he tried to do was reach in his pocket to get his wallet trying to hand it to me and  me saying” I have to take my baby to the mall its her birthday”.  Those were the last words I ever heard my dad speak to me.

It was terribly ironic that this happen to my father at age 55.  His father and his brother both died of heart attacks at the age of 54.  My dad had always been afraid he too would have the same fate.  But as his birthday passed that August of 1983 and he turned 55 he was relieved.  Funny how things happen.

The day after my dads stroke my oldest brother came immediately the next day from RI to be here for my mom and I.  At the hospital the night he had his stroke he was able to speak alittle and was they said doing somewhat better.  We left late that night hopeful for recovery. I remember going to school the next day while my mom and brother went to see my dad, and coming home waiting for them to tell me how he was and to be able to go see him that night.  I knew as soon as they walked in the door and both looked at me  knew it was bad.  Over night he had lost consciousness and his brain started to swell.  He was placed on life support they told me.  I went to visit him that night and held his hand and told him how much I loved him and what a good father he was.  Over the course of the next 7 days he deteriorated in brain function and we were faced with a decision of taking him off life support to let the inevitable happen.  My mother and brother and family decided it was in god hands and we removed it.  I remember sitting all i n his room and hearing the heart monitor slowly stop.  It was like time was stopping knowing my dad was dying.  It all took about 2 minutes from the pull of the plug till he passed but it seemed to me a lifetime.  My heart was heavy and my best friend and dad was gone.

Ill stop here for now.  Because this part of the blog shows the life I had and things I went thru that formed me into the life I would lead thereafter my dads passing. In the next blog I will touch on who I became, how I struggled to know my mom and make a relationship with her and our struggles to just get by.

Loneliness….

Image

For as long as I can remember back in my life I remember strongly the feeling of loneliness. Seemingly forever feeling alone.  To overcome and understand this feeling is important.  In my blog, I am not at all trying to be negative or sad but to talk about feelings, situations and experiences I’ve had throughout my life that now at the age of 46, looking back at them and realizing how I didnt know how to ask for help, or have someone special to talk to.  How I now hope to utilize my situations to help others who may be in a similar situation and reading my posts can help them to hold tightly to the positive.  

 

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog.  I have been thru so much in the past few years and I thought one day that if I could document some of my experiences, feelings, situations that I had been thru and struggled with or overcome MAYBE I could help one other person do the same.  

Communication has always been important to me.  It is a healthy way of expressing yourself and aids in dealing with things and the healing process.   That is why we have Therapists! I have been told I should have been a Therapist.  Having the ability to think things thru and be rational is a great trait.  I lost that for many years dealing in an unhappy relationship which lead to depression and unhappiness and eventually 2 suicide attempts.  

I look back now on it all and am so happy I had the strength to regain my positive attitude, realize again that I DO matter, I do contribute in society in a positive way and all this has made made me a happier, better person and mother.

I have toyed with keeping a journal in hopes of compiling a book about my experiences and started doing it years ago but life is busy with multiple jobs and three kids..I slacked on my journal attempts,  so here I am blogging about it.  Its a permanent record of my feelings and experiences I hope for someone at least 1 person to read and my goal would be to help them thru a tough time.  To let them know they are not alone in what they feel or crazy for feeling how they do.  

I will try to blog daily about my feelings and experiences and how I dealt with them. I hope you enjoy reading them and welcome any feedback or questions you may have for me!

 

Image