Crazy week

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted more on my story.  I am actually starting a website as well and starting to write an e-book on my journey.   Its been crazy. I don’t know how many of you believe in spirits but writing this book has stirred up a lot of emotions for me, just reliving my past again but also stirring the spirits in my life.  I know my Mom, Dad and Nan are here! I was hesitant to tell anyone other than my 14 year old daughter about what I experienced but I knew she would believe me because she too has some kind of beyond life connection.  Much stronger than mine.  I sense my loved ones sometimes but until last week I never saw them.

It threw me so much not only was I totally out of sorts and had to refrain from crying all morning at work, but I was just “off” for a couple days thrown by what had happened to me.  I have missed my mom terribly since she passed 1.5 years ago now.  And my dad I have missed a lot too over the past 30 years but as I’m putting my experiences down in book format on my laptop Ive just been really emotional for some reason all week long.

My daughter experiences is things like this: When Ive looked at rental properties in the past she has a strong sense of past life living there.  She can tell if the house contains “ghosts” or not.  Not every place has them and some are good and some make her uneasy but Ive taken it seriously because she is so adamant about it and gets so emotional when she strongly believes in what is going on in the homes Ive looked at.   But on the night my mother passed that morning she texted me at lunch from school and said “I have to go see grandma today and tell her I love her mom, please”.  I hadn’t let the kids see her for the past couple weeks because her time was coming and she was not only unable to speak or know what was going on around her but she had gotten so thin and looked so different I didn’t know if I wanted the kids to see her that way.  I touched base with my ex, her father and he told me Taylor’s a strong kid, if she wants to see her let her she can handle it. So I said I would take her and her younger sister after school.

I hadnt gotten to my mother in my blog so just  so you know:  my mother was unexpectedly diagnosed with advanced cancer and was given 6 months to live but that 6 months was only 4 weeks.  It was horrible watching her deteriorated more every day.   My sister and I had been taken daily 6  hour shifts there each staying for our time as the other one went.  We alternated making sure she was taken care of properly.  At  first just talking to her keeping her company, then helping feed her so she would eat, clean her, keep her comfortable and in the end just talking to her because she couldn’t see anything as her eye sight had mostly gone.   Life was on hold for me and my sister knowing the inevitable was coming.

So that day after school my daughters and I went over for a visit.  I had prepared them for how she looked and what to expect.  They were troopers I tell you.   They came in and talked to her and combed her hair, held her hand and tried to help her get sips of water.  I was so proud that my girls were so compassionate and strong.  Taylor, my 14 year old always had a special bond different from anyone else with my mother.  We stayed till about 4:40 and then the each wrote her a little love note and left them on her side table, knowing she would never read them but wanting to leave a piece of them.  It was weird too when we left we all said goodbye grandma and even though she couldn’t speak she blurted out a loud strangely sounding BYE BYE to us.  It was very strange.

We went home and Taylor asked to prepare dinner for us and I said OK.  Taylor is a good cook and enjoys it very much, shes probably a better cook than me, LOL.   I went for my nightly power walk around a local park and at 6:38 my phone rang and I instantly knew my mom had passed.  I rushed home and as soon as I entered the house Taylor looked at me and said “Grandma died didn’t she”? I ran to her and hugged her crying.  She said she felt my mom come to her and say goodbye.  As she was standing in the kitchen cooking she said she felt a strong presence and knew someone was there with her.  She said she even felt her behind her touching her shoulders!!  She said did she die about 20 minutes ago and I answered yes. That’s the time it happened Mom, it was grandma coming to say goodbye.

So now you know what kind of connection my daughter had.  This was my experience the other night.  I was sleeping and early in the morning I clearly had a vision pop in my head…it was clear as day.  It was like a Face time screen for you I Phone users…Left side me and right side: MY MOTHER.  Clear as day her face, her makeup as she always wore it and her hair done pretty.  Her body was like a flowy ghost type body but her head was clear as a bell.  I reached out and yelled, MOM OMG MOM, I love and miss you and your here! I remember her hand reaching out towards me and hearing her say Hi sweetie, I love you too yes I’m here.  Then as quick as it was there she was gone and  I was awake and felt her presence above me as I lay in bed.  I couldn’t  see her anymore but I knew she was there.  I was so emotional but I had a small conversation with her.  In that conversation I mentioned I had hoped she was up there with my Dad and her mother, my Nan.  I hoped they were together and happy and not in pain.  I continued to talk for another maybe 5 minutes I knew if I stopped she would be gone but eventually I did.  I got up and got some tissues as I was crying like crazy. I layed back in bed and after a few minutes of comprehending what just happened, I rolled over on my side and closed my eyes trying to fall back asleep and immediately another vision came to me.  It was dark, but I made out a tall man, wearing a long coat and I could clearly make out a certain ring on his finger which Id seen a thousand times, and I could tell he was bald but his face was blurred.  My dad was 6’3″ bald and always wore longer coats, it was my dads ring and he was wearing.  I quickly knew it was him.  I spoke to him briefly nothing did i hear in return then he was gone.  OK now I was freaked. In my head I tried to make sure I was really awake, not dreaming it all.  But I was most definitely awake.  So my third attempt at sleep was no different but this time I could make out the short, tiny figure of my Nan.  I spoke to her as well.  I knew at that moment my Mom, Nan and Dad were clearly together in the after life.  They had come to me after I asked my mother if they were together to let me know they were.  I’m convinced the writing of this book and all my emotions the week prior to this event were stirring them to me.  They were letting me know they were together and happy.  They were letting me know they support me.

Again, I have never experienced anything like this.  I was out of sorts all day.  When I came home that night I sat with my daughters and asked them if any of them had any strange dreams last night.  Immediately Taylor said she was scared to tell me but all week long she has been scared at night.  She said every night she had felt a strong presence of someone watching her in her room.  I told her if it was grandma she was there making sure she was ok and watching over her then I proceeded to tell them of my experience.  Taylor said I knew it was Grandma.

So don’t think Im crazy LOL.  But I am a firm believer of this stuff now.






Life after dad….

Dad was gone. I was lost and felt so alone. Left with my mother, someone who I loved but didn’t really know. If that makes sense? I never really had a strong bond of communication with her. She was my mom who cooked and cleaned and took care of me. But I never really talked to her. I guess looking back now I was never taught to talk about stuff and feelings with my parents. I struggled trying to form a relationship with her. Missing my dad dearly.

My dad did everything. His loss was huge to my mother. She never had to work or worry. She was left alone and no idea how to even write a check. She never had to do anything before except be the great wife and mother she was. Looking back now I give my mom all the credit the world for getting by after his death. With my brothers help she went and got his social security started and opened a checking account. My brother headed home to RI and back to his family.

My Mom was good at cleaning and being a caretaker and i most definitely inherited t hose traits from her. The office staff at the apartments we lived at liked her and when they heard of my dads passing and our financial situation they asked her to take a cleaning job at the apartments we lived at. We would go after hours nightly and clean the offices on the complex. They loved my mom and quickly discount our rent and referred her to an elderly resident who was with no family who needed help cooking and cleaning. He was an ex priest, Father Gouley and a wonderfully sweet man. She started going over daily to cook three meals for him, do his laundry and clean his suite. It was her job. Nightly we cleaned the offices for our rental discount.

In my senior year of high school at age 17 I started a part time job after school at a local fast food place and helped contribute most of my pay to the bills. I loved my job and worked hard in addition to my studies and helping mom clean at night. I was proud of her for working so hard and taking care of me and at age 56 she wasn’t In The greatest shape. I remember her coming home every night in pain from her back. She would come home and cook dinner for us after cooking for Father Gouley. We continued this and got by for the next year and a half. In that time I still was trying to form a bond with her.

My dream was to go to school for advertising design. I loved to draw and loved abstract art. I had even designed a logo and jingle once when i was younger for my dads friends new business. As my graduation from High School neared in 1985 I wondered where my life was going. The school I was interested in was $30,000 a year and I felt it hopeless to think about pursuing that. I didn’t ask anyone how to apply or find out about financial aid. I just figured it was hopeless and gave up my dream. My father had made quite an impression with the leasing consultant who he had rented our apartment from as well as the whole staff in the offices. They loved him as he had a wonderful friendly, genuine personality. So after he passed I had always had a relationship with the leasing ladies. When I turned 18 and was able to work they quickly offered me a part time job until school was out over the summer as a Leasing Consultant for the property. I took the job excited to work with these great ladies and start making better money. I enjoyed my job and the people I worked with. My friendly personality did me well and I did a great job in my new position. After graduation I became a full time Consultant with the Property Management company.

I became friends with Diane in 1988 and she quickly became my BFF. We spend all our free time together hanging out. Her family was a close family and i spent a lot of time at her house always feeling like one of her family. I went to all the family events. I loved this new feeling. My family was never really close now that I look back on my life. so this was a new feeling and i liked being there. She was by far the only other friend I had besides my friend Amy whom I had left back in Massachusetts back in 1983. We got along so well and we had a great times together. She truly was a confidant and I felt really happy in the life that I was forming for myself. Life was underway for me!

In September of 1990 I met my Ex. He lived across the street and a chance meeting with his best friend one day gave me and Diane an invite to his house for a party and although I had never even met him before Diane and I went that night. Little did I know that night was the night that would forever change me. Meeting the person who would become my lover, friend, husband and father of my children. As well as the very person who was the reason my life almost ended twice…..

Until my next post…..